... and also the most difficult to express or to write about with any real clarity or certainty. Therefore, these words are of no true value, they are only the opinions of my rambling mind wishing to know and searching for answers to life’s mysteries. And love is truly one of life’s greatest mysteries. We all hope and dream to find it or (better yet) that it finds us.
But maybe even that statement isn’t entirely true, is it “all” or “most” who dream this dream? Perhaps it is more accurate to say that most have dreamed this at one point in their lives. Some believed for awhile, and then later became disillusioned. And then there are those of us, despite the pain of heartbreak, who refuse to give up this often illusive dream.
Still with so many alone, searching and continuing to dream this dream, why is love so difficult to find? To find a partner with all the traits one might laundry list truly does seem an impossibility. But what if it isn’t really so much about these lists? Some studies indicate there is a very real possibility that chemicals play a large part, and that what happens is a chemical reaction with another. Ah… that word chemistry… and all reason (and lists) go out the window. The chemical connection appeals to the five senses: The way someone looks, smells, tastes, the feel of his or her body, the sound of that person's voice.
So what if the mystery truly is contained within these chemicals? That in order for true love to exist, it is necessary for certain chemicals to be released into the brain and/or heart so that it receives the signal(s) it needs. Imagine these chemicals as a pad lock wherein the tumblers must line up in order that love be unlocked.
This would certainly help to explain unrequited love. Heartbreak is born and hope dies when these “tumblers” line up for one but the same does not occur for the other. Haven’t we all been on both ends of this? Haven’t we all felt an attraction, a hope, a desire for another who does not share our feelings? And haven’t we all known of another’s attraction to us, of their hopes, and desires to share love but to whom (even though we may wish it possible) we cannot reciprocate their feelings.
When this happens rejection is known and felt and often our reasoning abilities suffer. We are left with following the made up stories told by our ego’s. Our minds search for reasons, usually by blaming ourselves or the other. But really if we were to just stop and think clearly we would realize there is no one to blame….
The blame lies not in someone but quite possibly it lies in something… chemicals. With the release of these chemicals and our reactions to them, the hope for love is either found or lost. We do not choose who we will feel love towards, nor do we choose who not to feel love towards. The French poet and philosopher Blaise Pascal wrote, “The heart has it’s reasons which reason knows nothing”. His words ring so true to me, where love is concerned the heart and brain seem to work totally independent from each other.
For instance, let’s say you were to meet someone who possesses a beautiful heart and soul. Your mind might then tell your heart, “You can have love with this beautiful person, this is someone who will treasure you and your feelings. This is someone who will care about your happiness”. However, your heart (if those tumblers are not lined up) might respond with something like this “Yes, this person has many beautiful qualities and is someone I would love to have as a friend but it is not possible for me to feel romantic love”.
And then the other scenario… So now lets say you meet someone and regardless of the “games” they play or the hurt they cause to you, your heart tells your mind, “This is it, I have found all I need for true and romantic love. This is the one I will love!” At which point your mind might shout, “No!!! you cannot love this one, this person is not concerned with your feelings or your happiness’.
In my opinion, neither can make for a happy union…
If one were to listen to the mind with no regards to the hearts desire at having some of it’s longings fulfilled, then the union between the two most probably would be void of excitement, fun and passion. Yes, I believe a shared love would be possible, but part of the dream would always be missing. I think sometimes people choose this path to love when they are fed up with being alone and have become disenchanted with the dream of finding their “soul mate”. They then decide to “settle”. For me, I cannot be the one someone settles for nor can I choose another to be the one I settle for. Maybe I am greedy but I want it all.
And the other…
In my opinion, when the heart wins without listening to any logical reasoning and disregarding all warnings from the mind, this would produce the unhappiest of all unions. When relationships consist primarily of ’What can I get’ rather than ‘What can I give’ then what kind of love can we expect? How can happiness exist when the others happiness is not equally as important as one’s own happiness. Here I can speak from experience… I am sure of one thing, kindness and tenderness towards one another must be present for true love to flourish.
So what is the answer to finding a love that can give joy rather than a sense of longing, happiness rather than pain? It is my belief (but trust me I am no expert on love) true love would need to be a balancing act of the heart, mind, body and soul. Of course a perfect person does not exist, ourselves included, so we would need to look at the “big picture” rather than dissecting its pieces. In other words, if the good in another outweighs the bad and if the other causes our heart to sing just a little, then just maybe we have a chance.
Finding the worlds rarest treasure is not an easy quest. Therefore I believe it would also require patience in order to wait for the one who shares many of the same values, hopes and dreams… and who’s heart beats to the same rhythm as one’s own heart.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
Seduce my mind and you can have my body… find my soul and I am yours forever.
~M.D. Waters, Archetype