I believe in dreams. But not just that… I believe we can strive for and live our dreams without worry and fear… and with love in our hearts.
So how did I come to believe this?… through pain and suffering of course. Thru lost loves and heartbreak and much soul searching.
“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. ~ EcKhart Tolle
This is one of those experiences...
It was my last and most painful heartbreak that I am most grateful for. The pain from this was like none I had ever felt before. It left me shattered and broken, it left me without dreams or hopes. I had stopped doing what I love most, creating art. It left me in bed for almost three months where I lay drowning in my tears and self pity.
Then one day I decided to create a painting that I hoped might express my sadness at losing the greatest treasure I had ever dreamed… true love.
I painted me as I felt… naked and alone. I painted ice and snow, I felt no warmth or joy. The water was black and deep and so was my despair. The letters and photos I painted were my hopes and dreams floating away into the wind. I painted my foot resting on the last photo, reluctant to let it join the others in flight, as if by holding on to it I could hold on to a part of this love. I was alone and crying, and as I painted I felt the pain and I felt my heart fighting against losing this beautiful dream. But this dream was already gone and I knew I must find a way to smile again. *(painting below)
As I continued to paint I began to notice a change in me. Even though I was painting my pain, with each brush stroke the intensity of the pain inside of me lessened. With each moment spent in the world of creating, I could feel hope building. I became lost in that world of creativity.
It wasn’t instantaneous happiness but it was enough to keep me out of bed, to begin again to create, and to return me to my search for truth. I knew I was coming out of the depths of despair and I needed to know how to continue this climb.
Then one day I was standing in front of the mirror brushing my teeth and I realized I was lost in thought… worrisome and troubling thought. The thoughts were coming from “the little me” (as Eckhart Tolle refers to that voice which we all hear). You know the one, it always tells us of what could have been or of what we need to do or have in the future in order to one day be happy. Oh, and it always warns of danger, it’s words most often instilling fear and doubt.
Anyway, it was loudly repeating something about fear. I can’t remember it’s words exactly, but once again it was leading me down the road to worrying about my future. Usually it would remind me that I am alone, that money could become scarce, that I am growing older…
While I mechanically continued to brush my teeth, I listened to the voice in my head as it warned of this impending doom. I watched in the mirror as my eyes filled with tears. I again was feeling hopeless, I again was lost in this story of a very possible tragedy which “the little me” was telling. I again was believing all it told to me.
Then suddenly I was aware of my higher consciousness listening with disbelief as “the little me” told it’s ugly lies. At that instant, I realized "the little me" was a lie, an illusion. I immediately understood that this voice which had always told of sadness, this voice which constantly tried to instill fear and doubt in me… this voice was not who I truly am! It was an imposter, it was my egoic self, my unconscious self.
I looked in the mirror again, but this time I was not looking from the eyes of “the little me”. Rather, now I was looking from the eyes of my higher consciousness. Perhaps for the first time in my life I saw true beauty. Not just outward beauty, but beauty of the soul and the heart. I saw love!
I then thought about my life and all that had brought me to France and now to this mirror in my bathroom. I had come to Europe in the hopes of finding answers to the things I searched, mainly what is the meaning of life and where is true happiness found. You know, the simple questions. And so everyday I studied and read… anything and everything from best selling books, to advice found on the internet, to the great philosophers of years past.
One common thread they all seemed to share is that of ‘present moment awareness’. I knew this had to be the key to unlocking the door to that place void of fear, that place of inner peace... And yet it seemed I could only grasp a moment here and there of that place called ’the Now’. I needed to not just visit this tranquil place, I needed to live here!
As I stood in that bathroom, as I continued to stare into the mirror and deeper into my eyes, deeper into consciousness, I vowed I would no longer live my life believing the stories of "the little me". I would now live my life with only truth… truth that I am beautiful, talented , deserving, loving and loved. I am all this and much, much more… as we all are.
I know that living in the now will require me to constantly become convinced that my current task requires my undivided attention. In other words, it requires that I continually practice bringing my attention back to the present moment (even if the task at hand is as menial as brushing my teeth).
At first I worried that the “little me” would find a door to creep back thru. And of course it has... it continues to visit from time to time. But the more I practice consciousness, the less often I am subjected to its lies. Its visits have become less and less frequent and its length of stay shorter and shorter. Perhaps one day I will never have to listen to “the little me's ” ranting again.
I can live my life free from judgements and worry only if I always remember who I truly am. I am Teresa Weier, a talented artist, a woman with passion and heart, and who’s number one goal in life is to master love, kindness, and conscious living.
... below is the self portrait I created as I began to emerge from that place of loneliness. When creating this, it was my wish to express the sadness and the coldness we have all felt when our greatest hopes and dreams are lost.
This has become one of my favorite pieces. The memory of that pain has faded but the memory of lessons learned continues to make me a stronger woman. There is always a silver lining, we only need to be patient and wait.
'Still in Love With You' ...